Content Harry Potter Miscellaneous

Author Notes:

I disclaim all lines by Monty Python.

Clop-a-clop, clop-a-clop, clop-a-clop, clop-a-clop...

At first Harry thought he was imagining the hoofbeats.   But when other people started turning their heads and murmuring about it, he knew he wasn’t.   "What’s that?" he asked.

"A horse," said Hermione, turning to look the way the sound was coming.   "Either that, or coconuts..."

"I don’t believe this," said Ron, shaking his head and joining Hermione in staring down the passageway.   "I don’t bloody believe this."

"Believe what?" asked Draco, peering down the passage himself.   His eyes widened.   "Oh no."

Before Harry could ask "oh no what," the answer came into view.   Two red-haired figures in medieval garb, one dressed as a knight, the other as a squire.   The knight was galloping along, one hand raised as if on his reins, while the squire provided the hoofbeats with the coconut halves.   The emblem on their chests was a golden sun, and the knight wore a crown.  

Along with glasses and a sour expression.  

Every student in the courtyard sat transfixed as knight and squire galloped through and off towards the lake.

 "Let’s go," said Harry, shutting his book.  

"How the hell did they get him to do that?" Draco asked as they ran.  

"Probably found his Playwizard collection," said Ron.  

"He reads Playwizard?" said Hermione incredulously.

"Maybe he’s a prat, but he’s still a boy, Hermione."   Ron groaned at the sight of the crowd by the lake.   "Damn it, we’ll never be able to see."

Meghan popped out of the side of the crowd and waved at them.   "Come on, come on, Ginny saved us spots right up front!"

"Did she know about this?" Ron asked Meghan as they wormed their way through the crowd, to the accompaniment of clashing swords.

Meghan smiled sweetly.   "She helped plan it."

"Typical," Ron said darkly, shouldering between two large Hufflepuffs to reach the front.   "They never tell me anything."

"Maybe when you learn to do good Spurters, they will," Ginny said from her place beside Luna.   "Shh, it’s starting."

King Arthur and his squire were watching a knight in black armor fighting a ferocious battle with a knight in green armor.   The black knight had just skewered his opponent’s head with his oversized sword.   The green knight, after spewing copious amounts of blood, fell lifelessly to the ground, and the black knight took up a position guarding a bridge across one of the tiny streams which flowed into the Hogwarts lake.  

King Arthur glanced at Patsy.   Patsy waved him forward, grinning.   The King scowled at his squire, then moved forward and faced the Black Knight.   "You fight with the strength of many men, good sir knight," he said woodenly, as if he were reciting.  

The Black Knight did not answer.  

The King tried again.   "I am Arthur, King of the Britons."

The Black Knight did not answer.  

The King was getting impatient now, and his words were becoming more natural.   "I seek the finest and the bravest knights in the land to join me in my Court of Camelot."

The Black Knight did not answer.  

The King made a first, but restrained himself.   "You have proved yourself worthy; will you join me?"

The Black Knight did not answer.  

The King sighed.   "You make me sad.   So be it.   Come, Patsy."

The squire stepped forward, but the Black Knight spoke in a deep and rumbling voice.   "None shall pass."

"What?"   The King whipped around to face the Knight.      

"None shall pass."

The King looked nonplussed. "I have no quarrel with you, good Sir Knight, but I must cross this bridge."

"Then you shall die."

The King swelled with indignation. "I command you, as King of the Britons, to stand aside!"

"I move for no man."

The King drew his sword.   "So be it!"

They began to fight.   A few parries, and the King swiped his sword at the Black Knight’s left arm —

And cut it off.   A wave of gasps and shrieks went through the crowd as the limb fell to the ground, the stump spurting blood copiously.   The King stepped back, looking quite satisfied.   "Now stand aside, worthy adversary," he commanded.

"’Tis but a scratch," said the Black Knight contemptuously.  

The King spluttered.   "A scratch?   Your arm’s off!"

"No it isn’t."

"Well, what’s that then?" demanded the King, pointing at the arm lying on the ground.  

The Black Knight looked at the arm, then back at the King.   "I’ve had worse."

"You lie!"

"Come on, you pansy!" taunted the Black Knight.  

The two men fought once more.   A few more passes, and the Knight’s right arm fell to the ground.   Blood spurted out again, making the crowd of students waver backwards to keep from getting sprayed.  

"Victory is mine!" The King knelt, grounding his sword and bowing his head.   "We thank thee, Lord, that in thy merc—"

The students gasped and laughed as the Black Knight kicked the King, knocking him over.   "Come on then," said the armless Knight, jumping up and down.  

"What?" The King picked himself up, staring at the Knight.

"Have at you!"  

The King gathered himself proudly.   "You are indeed brave, Sir Knight, but the fight is mine."

"Oh, had enough, eh?"

The King was turning redder by the second.   "Look, you stupid bastard, you’ve got no arms left."

"Yes I have."

"Look!" insisted the King, pointing wildly with his sword.  

The Knight looked, then shrugged.   "Just a flesh wound."   He kicked the King in the leg.  

"Look, stop that," said the King, moving away.

"Chicken!" taunted the Knight.   "Chicken!"

"Look, I’ll have your leg."  

The Knight kicked him again.  

"Right," said the King, and slashed the Black Knight’s leg off.   It fell to the ground like the arms, the stump spurting blood everywhere.  

"Right!" screamed the Knight angrily.   "I’ll do you for that!"

"You’ll what?"

"Come ‘ere!"

The King stared at his armless, one-legged opponent.   "What are you going to do, bleed on me?"

"I’m invincible!"

"You’re a loony."

"The Black Knight always wins!     Have at you!" The Knight hurled himself bodily at the King.  

Who cut off his other leg.  

The Knight landed on the ground, looking about him in some confusion.   "All right," he said from his position around the King’s waist.   "We’ll call it a draw."

The King sheathed his sword.   "Come, Patsy," he said, and his squire came out of hiding and began to clop the coconuts together as they galloped over the bridge and out of sight, the enraged Black Knight yelling after them.  

"Oh, oh, I see, running away then.   You yellow bastards!   Come back here and take what’s coming to you.   I’ll bite your legs off!"

The assembled students clapped and cheered as the green knight came back to life and removed his helmet, revealing Lee Jordan.   He bowed, then waved his wand at the Black Knight, whose arms and legs immediately revealed themselves, as did the hole he’d been standing in.   King Arthur and Patsy came galloping back, and Patsy and the Black Knight took a bow, the Knight removing his helmet to show his face identical to the squire’s.   Finally, King Arthur bowed, an expression of mingled surprise and pleasure on his face as he took in the laughing, applauding crowd.  

Percy Weasley’s image had just changed forever.