Maybe
Chapter 15
By Anne B. Walsh
Chapter 15
Remus couldn’t sleep.
The rest of the Pack was out like the proverbial light — the cubs had begun falling asleep almost as soon as dinner was over, and the other adults hadn’t taken long to follow them. There was extreme snuggling going on: Meghan was practically invisible between Sirius and Aletha, Harry was curled into a ball against his godfather’s legs, Draco was pressed up against Danger’s back with one of his ankles lying across one of Aletha’s, and Hermione was cuddled against her sister’s chest with Danger’s arms around her, thumb in mouth. Remus had been lying next to the sisters before he had realized that sleep wasn’t going to come.
Now he was slumped in one of the armchairs, looking at his Pack and having a strange mental conversation with himself which might be the product of it being three in the morning, but might also be valid in some ways...
It’s my fault, said one part of his mind gloomily.
What is? asked another part.
Everything.
Including the rise of Voldemort?
Yes.
How?
All right, not everything. But this.
So it’s somehow your fault that the Pack was found?
No, but —
And it’s somehow your fault that a bunch of sadistic Healers spent three months poking at you and watching you without even asking your permission first?
Remus winced. No matter what he told Danger, that wound hadn’t yet healed, and he wondered a little if it ever would.
He had personally come to terms with what he was long ago, and living with the Pack, who all knew and understood — hell, they’d taken his problem and turned it into a lifestyle! — he sometimes forgot how other people, so-called "normal" people, reacted to lycanthropy.
One of those "normal" people being named Christopher Curcio.
I should have realized from the way he acted. I should have known. I should have been more careful. I should have figured out he wouldn’t go to a Healer — he’d count himself lost and try for revenge instead —
Speaking of which, I shouldn’t have been after revenge at all! What’s wrong with me? Revenge is for the Dark side, it’s personal satisfaction — I went too far, and I put us all in danger because of it —
But Hermione’s face rose up before him again, as she had looked when he had seen her on the bookshelf — bewildered, frightened, furious, all at the same time — she who was always so calm and logical, reduced to the most basic of emotions —
Accidental magic is the product of emotion. And that was very powerful accidental magic she did — every single window in that building was shattered, and that room was a shambles — but the girl who actually triggered the attack — she got away with one bump on the head from a book.
The thought cycled back into his litany. Even Hermione, Obliviated and out of control, didn’t hurt anyone. But you — Remus Lupin, supposedly the calm and cool-headed alpha male, the leader of the Pack — you made a man believe he was a werewolf, and because he believed that, he killed himself.
How exactly are you planning on living with that?
He answered himself honestly, with a weary sigh, the same way he had the last seven times the question had come up in his mind.
I don’t know.
Something caught his ear. He looked back at the Pack. The easy rhythm of their breathing was being interrupted. Someone was disturbed — having a bad dream, perhaps, or waking for some other reason —
With no more warning than that, Danger screamed.
The Pack came awake in a flurry of blankets and confusion. Remus, trying to get up quickly, tripped over a discarded pillow and fell hard, winding himself, and it was Sirius who got to Danger first and shook her hard.
Her eyes snapped open, and she stared at him. "You’re alive?" she whispered.
Sirius looked at her oddly, then nodded. "Yeah, I’m alive."
Danger threw her arms around him and held on tightly. "Letha?" she asked in a frightened whimper as Remus caught his breath and managed to sit up.
"I’m here," said Aletha, coming up behind Sirius, so that Danger could look over his shoulder into her friend’s face. She stroked Danger’s cheek soothingly. "I’m just fine. We’re all fine. That must have been a nasty dream."
Danger nodded, then buried her face in Sirius’ shoulder. Sirius looked over at Remus with an expression on his face that said many things — You do know I didn’t ask for this was one, along with I have no idea why she’s doing this and just plain Help!
Remus made his way over to the two of them and reached out to touch Danger, feeling a static-like spark jump between them as he made contact. What was it? he asked silently.
Oh God — Danger released Sirius and turned to Remus, staring intently into his face. You have me. And you have Sirius and Letha, and the cubs. You’re not alone. Right?
Yes, of course, you know that. What on earth happened?
Danger relaxed with an all-over shudder and buried her face in his chest without answering. Sirius and Aletha had turned to calming the cubs, who were a bit shaken by their sudden awakening, but willing to accept that everything was all right, if not to go back to sleep immediately.
Whatever it is, everyone’s going to want to hear about it, Remus told Danger, noticing that the cubs were all watching the two of them.
No, they’re not.
Why not?
God in heaven, Remus, you have no idea what I saw — what I had to watch —
No, I don’t. Not unless you tell me.
Danger looked up at him. The cubs shouldn’t hear this now, she said pleadingly. Please, not them. I’ll tell you, and Letha and Sirius. But not the cubs. Not tonight.
They won’t like it.
I don’t care. We can charm them asleep if we have to, but they can’t hear this tonight.
You’re sure.
Dead sure.
All right.
"Everything’s all right now," Danger said aloud. "I just had a really awful dream."
"What was it about?" asked Harry.
"I can’t tell you that tonight."
All four cubs looked bewildered. "Why not?" asked Hermione.
Danger smiled slightly. "I can’t tell you that either. Please trust me on this one, cubs — I will tell you, as soon as I can. But not tonight."
"Tomorrow?" said Draco.
"No promises, fox. But yes, maybe tomorrow."
The cubs traded looks. "All right," said Harry, with a "don’t-think-we’ll-let-you-forget" expression on his face.
"Everyone back to sleep, now," said Remus, "or else."
"Or else what?" asked Meghan.
"Or else we’ll make you," said Sirius, waving his hands mysteriously. "Hocus pocus, meepy beepy, you are getting very sleepy..."
The cubs all laughed and settled back in, choosing new positions in regards to one another. The adults found places of their own, leaning back against pieces of furniture to rest their backs, and watched as their cubs drifted back to sleep.
I’ve missed this. I’ve missed this a lot.
Hermione’s were the last set of eyes to close. As soon as all four cubs were limp in the way that was extremely difficult, if not impossible, to counterfeit, the adults moved closer to one another, Danger still in the circle of Remus’ arms.
She held out her chain. "So we don’t wake them by accident," she explained quietly. Sirius and Aletha accepted it and slid it on, and Remus did so as well, just for consistency’s sake.
I know what Curcio was trying to do to us, Danger began without preamble. The magic he was hitting us with, you remember I got exposed to it, but it was stopped? It took partial effect on me — it did what it was supposed to, but only in my dreams — so I know what it was for. He wasn’t trying to kill us — or at least, not exactly. He was trying to... erase us.
Erase us? Aletha looked as bewildered as Remus felt.
Have you ever heard of the idea of parallel or alternate universes? Worlds like ours, but with small differences between them?
Yes, but what’s that got to do with Curcio? Sirius asked.
He was trying to force us into one of those alternate universes. If he had succeeded, we — She shuddered. We would have been trapped in a world with no place for us — because we were already there. Or — not us, but people like us. People who could have been us. Am I making any sense?
I think so, said Remus. You’re saying that there might be, in that alternate universe, another Remus Lupin, another Gertrude Granger, and that we would have no place there, no identity.
Yes — and no. You have the right idea, but you don’t understand all of what would have happened to us.
So tell us, Sirius urged.
The world has its own ways of dealing with things like that. Duplications of people. The ones who don’t belong are — damn it, I can’t think of the word...
She spread the concept in front of them, and Remus swallowed as the implications became clear to him. Within a few moments of their arrival in the other world, their physical bodies would have vanished, self-destructing in a hostile environment, and their minds and souls depleted, becoming only a part of those of their counterparts in that world —
Assimilated, offered Aletha quietly.
Yes. Thank you. We would have been assimilated into our counterparts. Or — for those of us with no living counterpart — we would just have died. And that would have been cleaner.
Who doesn’t have a living counterpart? asked Sirius in surprise.
Danger smiled humorlessly. Me, for one.
You?
Apparently, in the world he was trying to force us into, I was never born.
Oh.
Letha for another.
Me? But —
You were born. But in that world, you’ve already died.
Aletha’s hand tightened around Sirius’. Tell me how, she said very quietly.
You were found dead in a meadow outside Hogsmeade on the morning of 2 June, 1983. You had apparently been out flying and fallen from your broom.
Aletha’s eyes narrowed. Key word being — "apparently"?
Yes. How did you know?
No matter what world I’m in, I don’t just fall off my broom. Aletha looked at Sirius, who was very pale. Congratulations, lover-boy, she said with a slight smile. You saved my life.
Sirius shook his head, looking around at the other three in confusion. I don’t understand.
Aletha’s smile took on a bitter tinge. It was suicide, Sirius. That world’s Letha followed up on what I told you once — that I couldn’t live without you.
But — where was I? Sirius asked in bewilderment. An instant later, his face registered annoyance and understanding. Of course. No Danger — so you would never have found out about me and Peter, Moony — so I was still...
Yes. Danger’s mind was open; everyone could see her, in memory, crouching in the tiny, dark cell in Azkaban, trying to comfort that world’s Sirius, who was huddled in a corner as Padfoot, before realizing that she was caught in a dream and to him, she wasn’t real...
And of course, without me, Meghan was never born. Sirius looked over at the cubs, as if needing confirmation that his daughter still existed. I think I agree with you, Danger. I don’t like the sound of this other world at all.
I suppose I have to ask, Remus said wearily. What about me?
You... went on with life. You never found Harry or met Neenie. You never saw Letha again. You got a series of odd jobs, enough to keep yourself alive, and you survived.
Wonderful. Remus was mildly surprised at the heaviness of the sarcasm on the word. What about the cubs?
Harry — what you’d expect. He stayed with the Dursleys. They weren’t quite as bad as our world’s lot, but bad enough. Snatches of scenes flashed through Danger’s mind — Vernon and Petunia shouting at Harry, Dudley pursuing him, days filled with drudgery and nights with loneliness —
But through it all, Harry’s spirit shone through. Remus could still see the boy he knew and loved — the Dursleys, for all their trying, had apparently never managed to break Harry.
That’s my boy, said Sirius proudly. Strong, determined, not afraid of anything.
Remus agreed, but suddenly recalled something. You said I never met Neenie. Did she still exist?
Yes — and I wasn’t entirely truthful. You did meet her. You just never — well, look. And images of a normal Muggle girl’s life flooded the conjoined minds. Hermione had indeed been born to her parents, grown up normal, received her Hogwarts letter on her eleventh birthday, met Harry and Ron Weasley aboard the Hogwarts Express as her fellow first years —
But she’s not supposed to be in their year, objected Aletha. She’s officially too young, it’s only because we have special permission that she’s going to stay with them —
Not in that world. Apparently, not having me meant my parents had her a year earlier.
The images went on, pausing in Hermione and Harry’s third year. There, said Danger. That’s when you met them.
Remus stared at the mental image of himself, a few years older than he currently was and far more careworn, a Professor at Hogwarts —
Good for you, said Sirius approvingly. You’d make a good Professor.
So in that world, I only ever knew them as their teacher? Remus looked over at the cubs in question, just barely visible under their pile of blankets and siblings, and had to force himself to stay where he was, not to go to them immediately and hold them close, reconfirming that they were his...
Then something occurred to him. Something awful.
Draco, he said quietly.
Aletha looked as if she couldn’t decide whether to be sad or angry. Sirius had no such trouble; his face was filled with anger. He never got away, did he?
No. He never did. He grew up a Malfoy, he was sorted into Slytherin, and he and Harry are bitter rivals. In that world, Lucius is still free as a bird, Narcissa is still alive, and Draco keeps challenging Harry and his friends and coming off worst, and he can’t understand why.
Aletha sighed. Maybe because he ought not to be challenging them at all — because he ought to be one of them?
Maybe, Danger said with an answering sigh, then frowned. Oh, wait — I lied. Lucius isn’t free. Not at the point where I stopped watching.
What point was that? Sirius asked. I think I like that point.
No, you don’t. Danger shivered. Trust me. You don’t.
Why not?
Because you’re...
Dead?
How did you know?
I think my first clue was when you woke up and greeted me with "You’re alive?" Sirius looked vaguely amused. So. How did I bite the big one?
Danger told them the whole story, starting with Sirius’ unassisted Azkaban escape and finishing with the episode involving the archway and veil. And that’s when I just couldn’t take it any more, she finished. Half my Pack dead or never born, the other half lost, hurt, broken —
Remus closed his arms around her. It’s not true, he reminded her firmly as Sirius and Aletha closed in behind her, putting hands on her shoulders, rubbing her back. It was only a dream. It didn’t happen.
I know.
But Danger cried anyway.
The three other adults held her close and let her cry, reminding her by the mere fact of their presence that the dream hadn’t come true, would never come true, that they would never have to deal with so much pain and sorrow in their own lives.
After what felt like a long time, Danger looked up. I’m better now, she said in a small voice. Thank you.
"Any time," said Sirius, taking her chain off himself. "It’s what we’re here for." He scent-touched her and went to lie down beside the cubs.
"Sleep better," said Aletha, following her husband’s lead. "And if you two want some alone time, feel free to move us and reclaim one of the mattresses."
Remus raised an eyebrow at her. "We’ll keep that under consideration," he said dryly. Are you interested in that?
Not really. Danger sighed deeply. But I do have something I want to show you. I think I’ve figured out where that magic came from, the magic that saved me.
Do tell.
Are you ready for some memory-traveling? It’s the easiest way.
Remus lay down where he was, Danger following his every movement. Ready when you are.
Abruptly they were standing back in the tiny area, the Pack frozen in time before them. The Danger of memory was arched backwards, her body outlined in pale green.
"I’ve just been hit," said Danger, waving at herself. "Now watch."
The scene animated at about half of real speed. Remus watched the deathly green writhing around Danger, trying to push her out of their world and into the other world she had glimpsed, and felt no pity for Christopher Curcio, whatever had happened to him.
"Look." Danger froze the scene. "Do you see?"
The bright crimson magic had just begun to wrap around her, protecting her. Remus looked — and saw.
"Harry," he breathed. "Yes, of course — Harry had just gotten his memories back, he knew who you were, he would have wanted desperately to save you — and I didn’t draw as heavily on the cubs in making the shield, I didn’t want to deplete them too far, so they would still have had enough magic to do this..."
Danger nodded. The scene reanimated. "And you see who the blue comes from."
"Yes, the blue from Meghan — and green from Draco — I do see. So they stopped it from pushing you any farther out with their combined magic, then they expanded it to cover Hermione, who could pull you back into this world because of the blood bond..."
"Exactly." Danger smiled. "We have some amazing cubs."
"So we do."
They were back in their Den, holding one another.
So — the cubs saved you from never existing, Remus said, trying to make a joke. Isn’t that usually the other way around?
He realized instantly that he’d blundered again, as Danger tensed against him.
What is it?
She looked up at him, her eyes bleak. Remus, I existed in the other world. I was just... never born. The words tumbled from her now, as if they had to be said before she lost her nerve. I was a surprise, they were very young and not married yet, and in that world my mother didn’t think she could handle a child and finish school at the same time, and she was worried about what everyone would think, and I can understand that, I don’t blame her, it was her choice —
You don’t blame her? Remus interrupted. What Danger was driving at had suddenly hit him, and it made him absolutely furious. You don’t blame her for depriving me — that world’s me — of my wife, for keeping Sirius in Azkaban for all those years, for driving Letha to suicide, condemning Harry to the Dursleys, Draco to be a Malfoy — you don’t blame her?
She couldn’t have known —
Exactly, and that’s why she should have been more careful —
Remus stopped, suddenly hearing the words slightly differently.
I should have known... I should have been more careful...
But none of us really know the consequences of our actions, he said slowly. Do we?
No, I suppose we don’t.
And there’s no use getting angry about what happened in another world — another universe. Remus bent his head to kiss the top of Danger’s. I’m just grateful it didn’t happen in this one.
Danger laughed weakly. Do I sound really pathetic if I say "Me too"?
Not really. And besides, there’s no one here to hear you except me.
Me too.
That was pathetic.
Danger reached for a pillow and smacked him with it.
Some time later, after a few things that hadn’t required moving into another room but had made Remus glad that no one else was awake, he held the peacefully sleeping Danger in his arms and thought.
There’s no use getting angry about what happened in another universe, and there’s no use getting upset about what’s over. I made a mistake, and a man died. He was a nasty git who wanted to destroy us all, so I don’t feel as guilty as I probably should, but he’s still dead because of me.
But there’s no way to turn back time and stop it from happening. It happened, it’s over, and I have to live with that.
So... I’ll think my actions through a little better from now on, and try to make sure it doesn’t happen again.
That’s the best I can do.
And with that, his tumultuous thoughts began to settle down, and he discovered that he was really quite tired after all.
His last thought before he slept was a memory, of a day long ago, the day the cubs had made friends with the Weasley children, and something he’d said to Sirius.
"All things considered, this really may be the best of all possible worlds..."