Vivens cum Pericula
Chapter 3: Friendship
By Anne B. Walsh
Ray had been thinking. Something was bothering Peri. She cried at night sometimes, and was angry during the day, though never angry at him. She seemed to be angry at herself, but that was silly.
But every time she was sad or angry, one person’s face came into her mind, with wanting feelings attached. He was a man, with hair a lot like Peri’s, except that it had some parts like Father’s or Mother’s or Ray’s own. He smiled happy like Peri, and that made Ray like him. And Peri wanted him. So Peri was going to have him.
He squirmed around a bit in the carrier, looking at all the people around him, then crowed in pleasure. Down, he demanded, bouncing to reinforce it. Down, down, now, now.
No manners, I see. But Peri was laughing. There’s time enough for that — all right, down it is. She flicked open the leg of the carrier and carefully slid it off her shoulders, bending to place it on the pavement, and lifted Ray out.
As soon as his feet touched the ground, he was running. Peri’s startled cry echoed in his ears. But he had to run, so she would chase him, and see the man that way...
He slowed down, looking around uncertainly. He knew where the man had been, but people were very tall from down here, and they all moved so fast — what if the man had already gone away? What if Peri went away too? What if he got lost here, in the middle of this big crowd of people, none of whom seemed to be looking down at all?
Suddenly terrified, he shrank back against a wall and began to cry. Peri, Peri! he wailed in his mind, and then with his mouth too: "Pe’i, Pe’i, Pe’i..."
"Good heavens, real tears," said a man’s voice, and one of the sets of impersonal legs developed a chest and a face, smiling at him. "It’s all right, little one. Run off, have you? I’ll help you find whoever you’ve lost." Hands were held out coaxingly. "Come on, I don’t bite."
Ray blinked in surprise, then returned the smile and walked forward willingly into the firm grasp. A comforting arm around him, and he was rising, just in time to see Peri’s white face surge out of the crowd. "Draco! Oh, thank goodness — thank you, sir, I had no idea he’d run away like that — you naughty boy, I should get a leash for you, I really should..." What in the world were you doing, young man? she demanded as the man passed Ray over to her. That was very naughty of you...
Man, Ray said a bit smugly. Hand.
Peri looked away from him and didn’t seem inclined to look back. Ray obligingly let himself be shifted onto her left hip, so that her right hand was free to grasp the man’s, which was outstretched to her.
"Remus Lupin."
"Pericula Grant. Peri."
"Peri," the man repeated. "So that’s what he was saying. I couldn’t make it out. And he is..."
"Draco Malfoy. Say hello, Draco."
Ray waved.
"Thank you for stopping," Peri said. "I suppose I would have found him myself in another minute, but it seems criminal to let a child be frightened any longer than he has to."
"I agree, very much so. Have you been working for the Malfoys long?"
"Not terribly. I came to them in June."
"Blown in by the east wind, and only to stay until it changes?"
Peri laughed. "Something like that, but without the black hair."
"I can see that." The man looked at his watch and made a face. "Listen, I’d love to stay, but I have..." He paused, then made a different sort of face. "This is terribly presumptuous of me, I’ve only just met you now, but would you like to come to tea with me and my friends? They’re a couple, and I always feel like a second handle with them, but we’ve been friends for years, so that they can also make me feel guilty about not showing up."
"I understand completely, I used to have friends just like that. I accept on two conditions. First, Ray — I mean Draco, that’s my pet name for him — he won’t be in the way, will he? Not that he’ll make trouble or anything, he’s not that type, but they don’t mind children?"
"Not at all. Two of our other friends have a little boy just about his age, and Sirius and Letha are crazy about him. Sirius is actually his godfather."
Ray frowned. Some of the man’s words had made Peri sad for a moment.
No, it’s nothing for you to worry about, she told him gently. And his name is Remus. You can call him that.
Remus. Ray liked that. Names were good.
"And that touches on the other condition," Peri was saying to the man — to Remus — now. "You have to tell me these people’s names. I refuse to go to tea with a nameless couple. And some other information, such as safe and unsafe topics of conversation, would be very welcome."
Remus laughed. "Names, I can produce. Sirius Black, starting his second year as an Auror, and Aletha Freeman, in her final year of Healer training. And my good self, doing what I can. I haven’t really found anything I’m passionate for yet."
Ray jumped a little as, first, Peri’s mind was filled with strange and confusing emotions, and then, just as suddenly, it was cut off from him. He stared at her. "Pe’i?" he said, aloud, tentatively.
"It’s all right, little love," she reassured him aloud, kissing his forehead, then turned back to Remus. "Mr. Lupin, I accept your kind offer of tea with yourself and Mr. Black and Miss Freeman, if you will give me a moment to recover the item I left behind me in my hurry to retrieve my wayward babe here."
"All the moments you like, Miss Grant. Though I seem to recall that you gave me a short version of your first name when you introduced yourself..."
The wall, which had showed signs of lifting, was now thicker than ever, and Peri’s cheek was redder and warmer than usual. "I... don’t mind if you don’t."
"Not at all. Peri."
"Thank you. Remus. Will you hold Ray for me for a minute?"
Ray made a startled noise as he was bundled unceremoniously from one set of arms to another, and twisted his neck around just in time to see Peri vanish into the crowd.
"Well, hello again," said Remus, and Ray looked back around at him. "You’re rather handsome, in the Malfoy way. I hope Sirius doesn’t take badly to you because of your father, but I think Letha will shake him if he does. I know I’ll shake him if he does. You’re quite a nice young man. So he won’t be prejudiced, or if he is, it’ll only be for a moment — oh hell."
Ray jumped at Remus’ sudden vehemence. "Sirius was there. He pointed you out to me. And her — Peri — can you tell me why I’m acting the way I am over her?" Remus asked thoughtfully, swaying back and forth to accommodate Ray’s weight on his hip better. "I should have said my ‘you’re welcome’ and run away. Instead, I’m asking her questions, then inviting her to tea on the basis of less than one minute’s acquaintanceship, opening myself to Sirius’ teasing, and James’ and Peter’s when they hear about this... what am I doing?"
Ray tilted his head to one side consideringly, making Remus laugh. "Why am I asking you? Your biggest concern is not running off from your nursemaid." His voice became distant again. "A nursemaid for the Malfoys. She won’t want to stay mixed up with me. She can’t afford it. I’m making a mistake, I know I’m making a mistake... well, too late now." He raised his voice to reach Peri, who had just slipped between two people, the baby carrier in her arms. "Here, set it up and I’ll pop him in. It seems a shame to wear it and not use it."
Ray went into the carrier happily. He’d fixed everything.
xXxXx
Ray, oh, Ray, what have you done to me?
Peri was very careful to keep that thought to herself. She’d done enough damage already with thoughts and dreams she hadn’t kept under control. If she hadn’t been thinking and dreaming of Remus over the past month, Ray would never have known who he was, would certainly never have remembered him from that one sighting in Diagon Alley. Everything would have been all right.
But she had been thinking of Remus sometimes —
Sometimes?
All right, if she was going to be honest with herself —
And who else do I have to be honest with?
She had been thinking about Remus for almost every free moment through the end of July and the beginning of August, and a few moments that hadn’t, strictly speaking, been free. She’d been able to spare a few thoughts for other people, like Harry — most of the 31st of July had been spent thinking about him — and Sirius and Aletha (who must have got over what had happened with the Prewetts better here than she had in Peri’s original universe), and the blood she still had to obtain from them —
And that is the only reason I agreed to go to tea, she reminded herself sternly. I’ll be polite and charming and friendly, wait until they aren’t looking, get what I want, and go. And make sure that they’re nowhere near Diagon Alley when I am from now on!
But why? asked another voice. Why should you —
"Peri?"
She blinked. Remus was looking at her oddly. "Are you all right?"
"I’m sorry. Woolgathering. What did you say?"
We are not finished, said the second voice warningly.
Yeah, yeah, I know.
Peri was carefully friendly all the way to the Leaky Cauldron, and it was only when Remus had seen her seated in a booth and gone to the Floo to wait for Sirius and Aletha’s arrival that she could find a toy for Ray in her bag and allow the second voice free rein. All right, what is it?
Why should you deny yourself friends? You love Ray, and he loves you, but he is a baby. You can’t get by in this world just by loving one baby. You need friends your own age, with common interests. You need people to talk to, and laugh with, and love.
A woman’s laugh like chiming bells cut over the noise of the teatime crowd, and a man’s barking chuckle followed it. Peri flinched as if she’d been hit. The last time she had heard those laughs, they had been celebrating the birth of their second child, in a world free of war and fear, in the life she’d left behind...
And there’s your point, isn’t it? They were happy, without you. Happy because you’d left. Not that they didn’t like having you around, but you made them happier by leaving than you could have by staying. And you’ll make these people happier by staying out of things than you would by getting into them. So put on your game face and smile, and get what you need, and then do your duty by everyone and keep your nose out of things.
Her best efforts to shield were failing, Ray was starting to look at her in worry — she had to get under control, for his sake if for no one else’s —
She shoved her emotions down just in time to stand up and smile, and shake the hands of the people she’d once called brother and sister.
As Remus had promised, Aletha and Sirius thought Ray was darling, and Sirius had a good laugh over the inappropriateness of the adults to which Peri was exposing the heir of the Malfoys. "What do you think old Lucius would say," he asked her, "if he knew you were letting his baby play with the white sheep of the Blacks, a Muggleborn, and a..." He stopped suddenly, looking worriedly at Remus.
"And a what?" Aletha asked, looking around from her tug-of-war with Ray.
"And an unemployed good-for-nothing like me," Remus improvised quickly.
Step one. Remove informational barriers. "Somehow I don’t think that’s what Sirius was going to say," Peri said. "May I exercise my meager to nonexistent Divination skills to read his mind?"
"I don’t think Divination is about reading people’s minds," Aletha objected.
"Fine, telepathy then — is she always this nitpicky?" Peri asked Sirius and Remus, who both nodded.
Aletha shrugged one shoulder. "I prefer ‘precise’ myself."
"Right. Well, whatever it is, Divination, telepathy or whatever, I don’t think I can do it with Sirius, but I’m willing to try."
"Go on, then," Remus said. He seemed relaxed, but Peri could see the tension in his body. I wish I could tell you it would be all right, Aletha won’t be afraid of you and neither will I, but you’ll know the one soon enough and the other doesn’t matter anyway...
She reached out a hand towards Sirius’ forehead. Playing along, Sirius let his head sag back and his mouth hang open, his eyelids drooping. "I see a word," Peri intoned. "A word with eight letters... a word that asks a question, a question that many fear the answer to..."
Remus had abandoned his casual pretense and was watching her closely. Aletha was listening carefully, frowning in concentration.
"I see a man who distances himself from others because he fears he will hurt them," Peri continued, allowing her voice to shade more into a normal tone. "I see a man who closes himself off from the world because he feels that he doesn’t belong. Because he feels that people could only be hurt by knowing him, and even though he cares about them, he can’t show it, because they’ll be better off without him around."
Sirius had come out of his "trance" and was staring at her, brow furrowed, but at the same time he was slowly nodding.
"I see a man who fears what he can be, and with good reason. But he makes the mistake so many make — he believes, he has learned to believe, that all of what he is can be defined by those few hours he cannot control, and not even his friends’ voices can fully drown out the voices of the world, and of his own foolish self, telling him to keep his distance..."
Peri stopped. The sum of all the words she had spoken rushed in on her, and she let her head sag to the table.
Great Merlin.
I just described myself.
Peri? Ray asked worriedly.
"Are you all right?" said Aletha at the same time.
"I’m fine," Peri said to both of them, sitting up and tucking away her realization for future dissection. "Just... playing the part, you know. Don’t Seers always collapse after they do their Seeing?"
"I wouldn’t know," said Remus, who was watching Peri intensely. "I was never fond of Divination. I don’t care for crystal balls."
"I’m not surprised," Peri said. "They must remind you of... other things." She let her eyes flick upwards.
Remus and Sirius exchanged a look, frightened and desperate on one side, confused and worried on the other.
"I have a feeling I’m very close to an answer," Aletha said slowly. "And I don’t know if I’ll like it or not."
"How long were you planning to hide it?" Peri demanded of Remus. "She’s not about to try to ward you off, I don’t think — she’s a Healer, dammit, she knows what it is, and she knows it wasn’t anything you wanted!"
"How did you know?" Remus stared at her, his eyes icy blue seas without the warm brown islands she’d grown used to. "You’ve only seen me this once, or maybe twice — only spoken to me once — is it so obvious?"
"I doubt it, since someone far closer to you than me still hasn’t figured it out after — how many years is it now you’ve been... friends?" Peri breathed a silent sigh of relief — she’d almost let slip that she knew about the existence of the Order of the Phoenix.
"Does this have anything to do with your recurring disappearances?" Aletha asked.
"Yes," said Peri, at the same moment that Sirius and Remus both said, "No."
Ray giggled.
Aletha leveled a Force Nine glare at the two men, looking back and forth and finally settling on Sirius. "I want the truth," she said, pinning Sirius to the back wall of the booth and watching him wriggle like the proverbial bug. "And I want it now."
Sirius tore his eyes away from Aletha’s long enough to give Remus an apologetic glance. "Yes."
Remus slid under the table without even the transparent excuse of a dropped fork or napkin. Ray stared at the place where he’d been. Where he go?
You’ll see. Peri grinned. She had learned one or two new skills while she had worked on making her first world good for her family.
Sliding under the table, she whispered three Latin words.
Everything whirled for a second. Then the world was delineated in shades of gray, showing her Remus staring at her in shock about six inches from her delicately pointed nose, which was detecting the distinct aroma of fear from him.
Oh, do settle down, man. Aletha’s too grounded to shriek and run away because she finds out you’re a werewolf. She may browbeat Sirius sometimes, but she also respects him, and the fact that he’s known about you for so long and still regards you as a close friend will be sure to count for plenty. She knew he couldn’t hear her, but it helped calm her to put it into words.
Feeling naughty, she stepped forward and licked his face, one long swipe from chin to brow with her tongue.
"Bleah." Remus shoved her away and mopped his face with his sleeve. "Wolf breath."
Peri resumed her usual form. "As if you don’t have it."
"Only once a month, as you’ve been at pains to point out up there — did you ever stop to think, however you figured it out, that I might not want it to be public knowledge?"
Peri scoffed. "Aletha is hardly public. She’s your best friend’s wife, or she will be soon. What about your other friends? Do their significant others know?"
"Lily knows," Remus admitted. "Peter doesn’t have a girlfriend, so it’s never been a problem. But you never answered me — how did you know?"
Time to think fast. "You and Sirius are the same age, you told me so yourself. But you look at least five years older, premature graying and wrinkles and all." She cocked her head. "It’s actually not unattractive, you know."
"Thanks a lot," Remus muttered.
"You’re welcome. You also mentioned that you don’t have a job, but talking with you convinces me that you’re quite intelligent and don’t lack commitment, which are the two main reasons people don’t get jobs. So there had to be some other factor. And being an Animagus gives me just that little extra edge on my senses, and I smelled something semi-familiar coming off you." Not a lie, not even close, unless the ‘semi’ made it so. "So I put that all together and came up with a fairly simple answer." She deepened her voice. "There wolf. There castle."
"Why are you talking like that?" said Aletha, peering under the table. Remus jumped and banged his head.
"I thought you wanted me to," said Peri, kissing her fingertips and brushing them across the injured portion of Remus’ head.
"No, I don’t want you to. Are you all right, Remus?"
"Fine," said Remus in a rather strangled voice, simultaneously rubbing his head and trying to hide his brilliantly pink face.
"Suit yourself," Peri finished, hoisting herself back onto the bench and making Ray shout happily at the sight of her. "I’m easy."
"Are you?" said Sirius.
Aletha and Remus, who had just emerged, both glared at him.
"What? It was an honest question."
"No, I’m actually rather choosy," Peri said, crawling her hand up Ray’s leg like a spider. "And my first rule is, no stealing other women’s men."
Sirius scowled. "I knew there had to be a drawback to this going steady thing."
Peri chuckled. "How long have you two been together?"
"Two years," said Aletha, "and don’t change the subject. Remus — are you a werewolf?"
Remus flinched. "Yes."
Aletha nodded slowly, rubbing her left elbow in thought. "It makes sense," she said. "But you tell me. Should I be afraid?"
Remus straightened in his seat, surprise with a tinge of gratitude coloring his face now. "Not now. Not at any time except during transformations. And I’m... always careful."
"What should I do, if I happened to run into you, or another werewolf, while you’re transformed?"
"Run," Remus said immediately. "Get out of the way, get behind walls — don’t try spells, they don’t work. Get up a tree, or into a house. Or if you don’t have any shelter handy, create some. Conjured materials will work where Shield Spells won’t, and throwing rocks works just fine, though you’d have to actually knock... me... out to do any good. It’s hard to turn a werewolf from human scent."
"Hard?" Sirius snorted. "Try bloody near impossible. Prongs always had to sit on you, and I had to go scare off whoever it was..." He trailed off, noticing that everyone was staring at him. "What?"
"Secrets seem to be coming out all over the place today," said Peri, remembering in time that she wasn’t supposed to know what Sirius could do. "Sounds to me like you had some way to go exploring with a werewolf buddy. How exactly did you pull that off?"
"Yes, do tell," Aletha urged, eyebrows raised.
Sirius gulped. "Um. Letha, you like me, right?"
"Yes."
"You like having me around and all?"
"Yes."
"You wouldn’t want to get me arrested, would you?"
Remus closed his eyes and let his head thump against the wall of the booth. "Bad lead-in, Sirius," he said. "Very bad."
Ray wailed. Bad nappy, he told Peri mind-to-mind. Very bad!
Peri cracked a smile at the unintended repetition and scooped Ray from the carrier, motioning Remus to let her out of the booth. "Excuse me, everyone, I believe nappy attention is indicated. Don’t forget to let me know what went on."
xXxXx
In the women’s restroom, Peri fixed Ray’s problem first, then let herself sag onto the ancient chair in the corner, little boy in her arms.
Well, I seem to have abandoned my policy of isolationism.
Didn’t take much, did it? sneered an unpleasant part of her. One handsome male and like the bitch you are, you run right to him...
Father? Ray said uneasily.
Peri jerked upright. No, Ray. Father’s not here.
Good.
Yes. Good.
I never realized I had a side of me that sounded like Lucius Malfoy.
But why did I do it? Why did I decide what I did?
Like Remus, said Ray. Like Sirius and Aletha. In his mind, he could say the complicated names without a stumble, where he might slur them aloud for years to come. See them again?
Peri smiled at her charge, her love, her own little one. Yes, my love. See them again.
And there’s my answer. I may love Ray — I do love Ray — but a boy needs more than just one person to love him. He has me and Narcissa, but we’re both women. A boy needs a man.
And more than that, what kind of person will I be to love him if I don’t have other people to love, and to love me? I need human contact to stay human, so that I can raise Ray human. Human and happy.
So it’s decided. Friendship it is.
And... something more? Brief sensory flashes, from most of which she shielded Ray carefully. The little boy wouldn’t be ready for those feelings for quite a few years yet.
Why don’t we be friends for now, and see what develops.
And I have something I can offer them. Not in exchange for their friendship, but perhaps for their trust...
xXxXx
"Sir — Headmaster!"
Albus Dumbledore looked over his shoulder. Remus was running down the hallway of the Headquarters of the Order of the Phoenix. Sirius and Aletha were just behind him. All three of them were grinning hugely.
"Good news?" Dumbledore asked politely.
"Yes, sir," said Remus, skidding to a halt and taking one deep breath to calm himself. "We have a possible information source in the household of Lucius Malfoy."
xXxXx
Author Notes:
Well, some plot in this chapter. More next time — it just got pushed back by the scene in the Leaky Cauldron, which grew out of all expectation. Gotta love these scenes with a mind of their own.
My mom deserves some credit for some of Peri’s thinking in this chapter. So here’s to you, Mom.