Vivens cum Pericula
Chapter 18: Desire
By Anne B. Walsh
He could feel himself waking up, and fought against it. Waking up meant more hurting, more crying, more fear. Why had he ever wanted to wake up? He wanted to sleep, sleep and sleep, sleep until he didn’t hurt anymore and there was nothing to be afraid of...
But I don’t hurt anymore.
Surprised, he tested this theory. Fingers curled and uncurled, knees bent and straightened, shoulders rolled. Huh. I don’t. Guess maybe I can wake up then.
Slowly, he opened his eyes.
The room was filled with rich golden light, the color of marmalade on the breakfast table in the morning. He drew a deep breath and imagined he could taste it on his tongue, sweet and citrus-tangy. It’s so beautiful. I never saw light like that before.
A soft sound in one corner of the room made him turn. Peri slept in the big stuffed chair, her hair falling in waves around her face.
Peri doesn’t have wavy hair. Not for real.
His heart began to pound. He climbed carefully out of bed and crossed the room to the small mirror hanging on the wall. I have to see myself. I have to look at my face...
But he knew even before he looked what he would see.
Brown and blue. Just like I always wanted.
Ray traced the outline of his face with a finger, trying out expressions. A smile, a frown, a silly face with fingers in his ears, then back to the smile. He’d probably be using that one a lot.
Just like Moony said—it’s beautiful, and you see the people you love, and things are good for you all the time. He looked around the room, then back at himself. And it wasn’t even very hard to get here. It hurt at first, but after that, it was just like sleeping and waking up again.
Being dead wasn’t nearly as bad as he’d thought it would be.
His legs were starting to get shaky, though. He hurried back to the bed, then changed his mind and went over to Peri’s chair. "Scoot over," he said, tapping her shoulder.
She murmured something in her sleep and wiggled aside, making just enough room for him to fit in beside her.
There. Ray snuggled down and let his eyes drift half-shut, enjoying the warm light and the familiar scent of Peri.
Will I grow up, now that I’m dead? he wondered idly. I did want to see what it was like to be a teenager, and then a man. But it might not be so bad if I have to stay eight years old forever. Especially if it means Peri will take care of me forever. He smiled and rubbed his face against her arm.
Moony’s probably really sad, though. The thought made him sad himself. I wish he could have come with us. That would have made it perfect. But it would have made Harry and Meghan and Neenie sad, and Letha and Padfoot...
And what about the baby? He opened one eye and peered at Peri’s midriff, but she didn’t look any different than usual. Will Peri still have the baby? Or did she already and I just don’t know? Or does the baby not count because it wasn’t born yet?
He sighed deeply. Dying is complicated. I wish we could all have just stayed alive. Then I wouldn’t have to worry about any of this.
But they’ll all die someday. Then we’ll be together again.
Wish I didn’t have to wait, though.
Peri turned over in her sleep, mumbling to herself again. "...don’t care," Ray caught in between the hopelessly garbled words. "...only chance...can’t be worse...try it..." Her arm went around Ray and pulled him closer to her, and she bent her head and kissed the top of his without waking up. "Hello, love," she said clearly, then settled back against the chair, her breathing returning to its regular deep pattern.
Ray smiled. I love the way she always knows it’s me. Maybe it’s the wolf side of her—she knows my smell. He inhaled deeply again. And I know hers...
He stopped, surprised. He’d always known what Peri smelled like, but her scent was telling him more today than ever before. He could smell that she’d been through a great deal of stress lately, but that it was over—that she felt safe and relaxed and happy right here and now—and that not very long before she’d come to this room, she’d been with someone else—
Moony.
Ray sniffed again, not sure whether he wanted to be right or not. But he knew Moony’s scent almost as well as he knew Peri’s, and Moony’s scent was strong on Peri’s robes, holding the same feelings Peri had been having: the worry and fear earlier, the relaxation and comfort now.
I guess they were worried and scared before they died. But once they finished with it, there wasn’t anything else to be worried or scared about. He exhaled a long breath. Who could be worried or scared here? It’s safe. And you get everything you ever wanted.
Wasn’t he the living proof of that?
Well, maybe not living anymore. Ray laughed quietly to himself. But the proof anyway.
I wish I could tell Harry and the girls about this, and Letha and Padfoot. I wish I could tell everyone. Maybe they wouldn’t cry so much when people die.
It’s not so bad, once you get the first part over with.
It’s really not so bad.
He closed his eyes and drifted back towards sleep, the golden light and Peri’s quiet breathing a surer lullaby than any music.
Though there was music. Somewhere nearby, someone was humming.
I know that song. Peri used to sing it when we’d dance together. When she’d hold me up by her face. Ray smiled. It’s perfect for right now and right here. "Heaven, I’m in heaven..."
And he even knew the person who was humming.
"Hi, Moony," he said as the door creaked a little.
"And a good morning to you, sir. Or should I say, good evening. It’s almost dinner time." Moony came into the room and shut the door quietly behind him. "We were starting to wonder if you would ever wake up," he said, smiling at Ray. "But then Letha told us earlier today that you would, and everyone’s been waiting eagerly for it. Peri said she’d tell us right away." He put his hands on his hips in pretended anger. "I’ll have to have a word with her when she wakes up."
"Letha’s here?" Ray said, suddenly worried. "And who’s everyone?"
"Your friends—you do remember them." Moony looked a little worried himself. "Harry and Hermione, and Meghan, and Padfoot?"
"Of course I remember them. But they shouldn’t be here."
"Why not? I invited them."
"You did?" Ray swallowed hard. He couldn’t think of any way to ‘invite’ people to heaven that wasn’t a bad thing.
Moony wouldn’t do that—
But he’d never thought Moony would die just to be with him and Peri, either.
"Ray, you’re white as a ghost." Moony was beside him, kneeling down, looking concerned. "What’s wrong?"
"Did you kill them?" Ray blurted. "Harry and Hermione, and Meghan and her parents—did you kill them?"
Peri roused at the sudden noise. "What’s going on?" she asked sleepily.
Moony blinked a few times. "I’ve just been asked possibly the oddest question of my life," he said slowly. "Ray, why on earth would you think that?"
"We’re dead," Ray said quickly. "We’re dead, and the only way they could all be here is if they’re dead too, and I want to see them but I don’t want them all to be dead, and you said you invited them and I don’t know what that means for being dead and I don’t want it to mean what I think it means—"
"Breathe," Peri ordered, and Ray obeyed automatically. "What do you mean, we’re dead?"
"We have to be," Ray said, staring at her. "You look different. And so do I. And we’re better—I’m better. Are you?"
"Yes, I’m all better." Peri stroked his face once, tenderly. "And so are you. But it didn’t happen by our dying. We’re alive, Ray. Alive, and going to stay that way for a long while, if I have anything to do with it."
"And I might have a few words to say on the subject as well," Moony added, his tone hinting at laughter. Ray would usually have minded this very much, but his brain was too busy turning over Peri’s impossible truth.
We’re alive.
Not dead. Alive.
"But how did we get the curse off?" he asked, looking up. "And why do I look like you still? What’s going to happen now?"
"One question at a time, love," Peri said, scooting up in the chair. "Ooph, you’re getting too big for this. Go sit with Moony, please?"
Ray slid off the seat and into Moony’s grasp. Moony hugged him first, then helped him sit down, and Ray put his back against Moony’s side and crossed his legs. "How did the curse get off?" he asked.
"Fair question." Peri caressed her belly, smiling secretly. "You’re sitting against the answer."
Ray craned his neck around. "You took it off?" he asked Moony.
"Not exactly," Moony said, shrugging as if it was no big deal. "It wasn’t my idea, at any rate. Hermione came up with it first, and Aletha expanded it to make it work."
"What did you do?" Ray insisted.
"The curse was contained in your blood, Ray," Peri said. "It was all through you, of course, but it was strongest in your blood. Probably because when we talk about families, blood is the metaphor we use. Like bloodlines. Hermione had the idea that if your blood changed, then the curse wouldn’t know you were you anymore, and you might be safe."
"Aletha thought we should change all of your blood," Moony picked up. "Not just the part from Lucius. Because your mother was married to Lucius, that might have put her under the curse even if they’d never had a child. We wanted to be extra careful."
"How did you change my blood?" Ray looked at his wrist. The veins there showed a little greener than usual, but looked otherwise perfectly normal.
"Your mother helped us with that," Peri said with a sad smile. "You were only a baby, but I’ve told you the story of the day she helped me disguise that I was Muggle-born. We used a variant of that spell—the one she used with me just adds on another bloodline without taking anything away. We had to make sure that all your blood from your father was gone from you." She sighed. "I’m sorry we had to take your mother’s as well."
Ray closed his eyes to remember his mother. "She’s still here," he said, putting his hand on his chest. "Just like you were, Peri."
"Good for you," Moony said quietly. "Never forget her."
"I won’t." Ray opened his eyes. "Whose blood do I have now, then?"
"Oh, we just used any old blood we could find," Moony said nonchalantly. "We didn’t bother to make it anyone special."
"Moony!"
Moony grinned at him. "Whose blood do you think you have, you pestilential nuisance?" he asked. "Looked in the mirror lately?"
A tiny dragon materialized inside Ray’s chest, breathed fire, and screeched for joy, the sound coming out of Ray’s own mouth as he opened it. That was the only explanation he could come up with. Peri was on the floor hugging him, Moony was hugging both of them, and he was trying to hug them both at once and deal with the incredible heat in his chest and the shouts that were emerging from him without any conscious effort on his part.
"What about Peri?" he asked when he could speak without yelling again. "What about the baby?"
Moony’s grin got wider, and the hand he laid on Peri’s stomach was proprietary in the extreme.
"Well, we’ll need something to do with ourselves after we send you away to school," Peri said, matching the grin.
"I think a two-year-old will help to fill the house nicely," said Moony, cocking his head to one side. "What do you think, Ray?"
Ray dived at his dad and latched onto his neck.
My dad. My real dad.
He would have been real anyway, but now everyone will know about it.
Now no one will ever call me a Malfoy, ever again.
"What about my name?" he asked, loosening his grip a little as Moony tapped his arm. "Can I stay Ray?"
"Of course." Peri leaned back against the chair, her smile showing no signs of shrinking. "Maybe it should stand for something else, though."
"Maybe."
"Thinking of your mother?" Moony asked.
"Mm-hmm." Ray scooted around so he could look at both his parents—I have parents, real parents—at the same time. "She was the only one who ever called me Draco. But I don’t think I should just give it up. I don’t have any of her blood anymore, so it feels like...forgetting her."
Moony and Peri both nodded. "You may not have her blood," Peri said. "But you have her locket." She pointed at Ray’s chest. "Have a look."
Ray fished under his shirt and pulled out the golden locket on its chain. "That’s right, you said it was hers before it was yours."
"And you do have something of hers," Moony said. "In it. Open it."
Ray found the catch and pulled it open with his thumbnail. A tiny photograph of his mother waved at him from one side of the locket. On the other side was a lock of fine blond hair. He waved back at the photograph and felt his eyes tear up. She loved me a lot. And she took care of us. I shouldn’t just walk away from everything she gave me—
"You’re not," Moony said, and Ray realized he must have been speaking aloud. "She wanted you to be happy, and to be alive. And you are."
"And you don’t have to give up everything she gave you," Peri added. "How would you like to keep Draco as a middle name? It would still be part of you, part of your life. Just like she will be. Hidden but always there."
Ray nodded slowly. "I like that," he said. "But then, what would my first name be?"
"Anything that could have given you your nickname," Peri said. "Maybe Raymond, or Reynard."
"Reynard," said Moony. "Now what made you think of that?" He chuckled. "Aside from what I hear you calling him when you think I’m not listening."
"Oh, hush. I’ve never tried to hide it."
"What?" Ray asked. "What is he talking about?"
Peri sighed. "Your father," she said with emphasis, "is teasing me about calling you my little fox. Reynard is a fox from French folktales. He’s a trickster, not always safe to be around."
Ray perked up. "I like that."
Peri groaned. Moony laughed. "You brought it on yourself, love."
He put an arm around Ray and pulled him close. "Reynard Draco Lupin," he said, smiling down at Ray, though his eyes shone bright. "Welcome home, son."
The dragon in his chest must have breathed smoke, Ray thought. There was no other reason for his eyes to be watering this much.
He put his face against Moony’s chest and let the tears flow.
Against my dad’s chest.
I have a dad.
And a mum. Another mum.
He closed the locket and stroked it with a finger.
I’ll never forget you, Mum. I promise. But this is the truth now. It’s not wrong to say it.
"I love you, Reynard Draco," Peri murmured in his ear, holding him from behind.
"Love you too." Ray turned his head a little to be sure his words were clear. "Mum."
He’d never known Peri could laugh and cry at the same time.
xXxXx
A few days later, the Lupins (married the day before in a small ceremony with only their son, his three best friends, and two of the friends’ parents attending) received a social call from Albus Dumbledore.
"Quite an adventure you have recently weathered," the Headmaster remarked, looking out the front window at Ray wrestling with Harry on the lawn. "I would have offered my help, but was unsure if it would be welcome. Or, as it happened, necessary."
Could he have—? Peri cut herself off. Never mind. It happened as it happened, and it’s over. "Thank you for the kind thought," she said. "But you wouldn’t come here just to congratulate us."
"Would I not?" Dumbledore smiled, turning back to them. "Good manners are invaluable. But I admit to another motive as well. I was informed, by...shall we say, mutual friends, that you might have some information that would help me in a personal quest. I would, of course, be willing to trade."
"Personal quest," Peri said, sketching idly on a napkin. "Something like...this?" The picture she pushed across to Dumbledore was blurred, but quite obviously a locket similar to Ray’s, though large and embossed with a letter S. "Or this?" She pulled the napkin back and sketched a seal ring, large and heavy to fit a man’s hand.
"I see we understand each other." Dumbledore smiled.
"I think I’ll leave," Remus said, standing up. "I have a feeling I’m not needed here."
"Don’t go far." Peri winked. "This won’t take long."
"I’ll be outside with the children." Remus left the kitchen.
xXxXx
"So, what was that about?" Remus asked later when Peri had joined him outside.
"Oh, just something to do with Harry." Idly, Peri drew her finger across her brow in the lightning-bolt shape. "And his oldest friend." She mimed casting a spell.
Remus sat upright. "You mean..."
"Don’t bother saying it." Peri’s smile was highly predatory. "He didn’t die. But he’s going to, very soon now." She smiled across at Harry, now with the other children pestering Sirius to turn into Padfoot and chase a ball for them. "Once is enough for Harry to have to dodge death."
"Agreed." Remus pulled Peri close to him. "So what did Dumbledore want to trade with you?"
"Just a little secret from one of those mutual friends he mentioned." Peri hummed with pleasure as Remus began to rub her back. "A secret I think you’ll like."
"In that case, I’ll be glad to hear it, or let it remain a secret, as the case needs to be."
"I want it to stay a secret a little while longer." Peri laid a hand on her stomach and closed her eyes, imagining she could feel the tiny life within her. You are the key to it all, little one, you and I and this wonderful man who is your father...
xXxXx
"All right," said Aletha, undoing the scarf from around Harry’s eyes last. "You can look now."
Harry looked. "Trees," he said after a moment of consideration. "What about them?"
"Where are we, anyway?" Hermione added. "We Apparated, so we could be almost anywhere."
"Who’s yelling?" Ray asked, cocking his head.
"Ray’s question will answer Harry’s," Aletha said, pointing at the trees. "And I suggest you go find out those two answers, and see if you can’t answer Hermione’s along the way." She smiled. "I think you’ll like what you find. Go on."
The three raced for the trees.
"And no rocks!" Aletha shouted after them, then turned to look in the direction of the ramshackle house which was the nearest building to this orchard.
If everything went well, Sirius should be caging one rat right about now. And the Terrible Trio are about to become the Quality Quartet. She hadn’t believed Peri’s stories about her otherworldly origins at first, but some of the things the other woman knew were too amazing and too exact to be true any other way.
Though I really didn’t need to know that about the night Meghan was conceived...
xXxXx
"Hi, Ginny," said Ron resignedly. "Hi, Luna. Everyone, this is my sister Ginny, and her friend Luna Lovegood. Ginny, Luna, this is Hermione Granger, Reynard Lupin, and Harry Potter. Harry and Ray’s families might be moving here."
"Hello," said Luna, standing up from the step where she’d been sitting to shake hands. "Are you really Harry Potter?"
"Yes, I’m really Harry Potter."
"Do you have a scar, then?"
Harry pulled back his fringe.
"I thought it’d be bigger," said Luna. "Oh well."
Ray snickered. Harry elbowed him.
"Was it funny?" Luna asked.
Ray nodded.
"I suppose it was, at that." Luna giggled in a distant sort of way.
Ginny hid her face in her hands. Harry knelt down in front of her and tapped her shoulder. "I’m not offended," he said. "And I don’t bite."
"Thanks." Ginny smiled and shook the hand he was holding out. "It’s nice to meet you."
xXxXx
Neville Longbottom sat sadly on an unoccupied bed at St. Mungo’s while his gran talked with a pair of Healers. His eyes were drawn to the article one of the other patients had pinned up on her wall:
BOY-WHO-LIVED TO LIVE WITH GODFATHER!
Sirius Black returns after being presumed dead
Claims he was cursed into canine shape for seven years
Some people are so lucky. Neville glanced at his gran and the two green-robed Healers, then back at the article, and the picture that went with it. I’d do anything if I could have a godfather. Or my real father back again. But I never will.
His gran told him his father and mother were heroes, that they'd been trying to do something worthy, though she'd never tell him what. Neville thought that was a little unfair. Shouldn't I at least know what happened to my own parents?
One of the faces in the picture struck him as familiar. A woman. Dark skin, beautiful—she looks proud—where have I seen her before?
Another glance at the Healers, which turned into a full-fledged stare. That’s her. Right there. Right here. She wants to help my mum and dad, I think—Gran was saying something about not wanting to let them be experimented on, but what if she could really help them?
Movement from a different direction this time. Neville turned to look as a girl, a few years younger than himself, slid out from behind the screens where his parents lay. She looked a lot like the woman from the article, the woman who was a Healer, and she was breaking into the conversation to tell that woman something—
And now she was coming down the ward, looking at him—smiling at him—
"Are you Neville?"
Her voice was as silvery as her long-lashed eyes. He almost forgot how to nod.
"I’m Meghan." She held out her hand, and he shook it dumbly. "I think your parents got hurt trying to help my dad a long time ago." She looked at the floor, then back up at him. "But my mum and I might be able to help them now."
Neville hadn’t thought he could like her any more than he already did. He’d been wrong.
xXxXx
"Lupin, Reynard!"
Ray stepped forward, holding his head high to disguise his shaking knees, and sat down on the stool beside Professor McGonagall. She let him see a fraction of a smile before she dropped the Sorting Hat over his head.
"Well, well, a name-changer," said a small, buzzing voice in his ear. "And what a change! Dark to light, shadow to bright—you’ve got quite a lot of loyalty in that heart of yours, to keep to your friends when your father was telling you another way was the right one."
Not me. Peri taught me.
"She couldn’t teach you what wasn’t already there," the Hat retorted. "But you’re right, you’d make a mess of Hufflepuff. What about Ravenclaw? You’ve got a fine mind, quick and ready, and you love to read and study, and to teach others, if the way you help your sister Abby is any measure—"
But it’s not all I love. I’d go crazy.
"True. Well, then, I have just the place for you. You could go far here, help your father with his cause—quite a man, he is, a one-of-a-kind." The Hat chuckled. "I always knew he would be, of course. What do you say to...Slytherin?"
NO. Absolutely, positively, not.
"You’re a bigoted lot these days, aren’t you? There’s nothing the matter with Slytherin House..."
I don’t want to live under the lake, I don’t look good in green, and I don’t want to be famous. I want to be with my friends and do good things, not great ones. Please. Put me where I belong.
"Well." The Hat’s voice warmed. "With an attitude like that, there’s only one place for you. But remember this, my boy. Only two things can break a human heart. One is not to get its greatest desire. The other is to get it."
Ray’s hand went to his chest. I know, he said silently. I know that.
"I’m sure you do. Very well, then. GRYFFINDOR!"
Are you proud, Mum? Ray wondered as the Hat came off his head and his Housemates cheered for their newest member. Are you proud of me today?
Somewhere in his heart, he was sure that she was.
Head held high, Reynard Draco Lupin took the first steps towards his future.
The End
Author Notes:
Just shy of a year, not quite where I thought it would go at first, but it is done! Hope you liked—your reviews seem to say that you did—so please let me know that one more time! And as always, thanks for reading!